Family jokes
My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."
Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.
What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?
The baby you just feed nails to.
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
My son.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"
What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?
A virgin.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
I have a son. Her name is Zara.
I also have a dad. Her name is Lydia.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!