Employment jokes
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
I got fired from the library in the first 30 minutes because I "womens rights" in the sci-fi fiction section.
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
The best part of working at an orphanage is you can give them family-size chips.
"Where did you learn to do bookkeeping?"
"Yale."
"And what was your name again?"
"Yackson."
What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you got to hand it to her.
John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.
Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.
- I work with animals.
- Great! What job?
- A butcher.
Orphans can’t work at Johnson and Johnson because it’s a family company.
How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?
Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.
I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't orphans work at S. C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Kid: Hi.
Janitor: Wtf you want, kid?
Kid: Why are you rude?
Janitor: 'Cause I have a shitty job.