Either jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?

Her: What?

Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.

What do you call a dog without legs?

Nothing, it won't come either way.

Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!

Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

I don't know, either. It depends on how hard you throw them.

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.

People say dogs are like their owners. So true. My dog keeps on running into the street as if she doesn't care about her life.

I don't care about her life either hahahaha!! :)

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

I figured I would steel it and put it on this site. I mean, it was either that, or lose it forever.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”