When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions...
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
What the worst thing about committing suicide, You can only do it once
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself, It wasn't Sooner
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills." grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence." grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad. Liam: I like you both. Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go Liam: I will go to paris. Mother: That's means you like dad more Liam: No, its because i like paris Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go. Liam: I will go to America. Mother: Why Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
Why did the male orphan decide to be gay
Because he wanted someone to call daddy
Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.
Guy 2: Is it a hard life?
Guy: Yup
Guy 2: Then you can't kill yourself LOL
Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the "game"
Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.
He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.
We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)
Friend 1:Eyyy gurl Me:Hey! (Fake smile) Friend 2:hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather? 6 hours later Friend 2:So (name) would u rather? 1."Hang" out with me Or 2."Jump" 1 times? Me...e-eh?...Why not both?????we could just "Jump while "Hanging" out right?
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a "choice". But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called "murder".
Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, In the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash and no Hope!
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking. But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
there was always that one SPECIFIC person u THOUGHT ruined ur life,but it turns out ur life has always been ruined by u being in it..
Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing while a man named Chris comes up and asks “which one is yours?” The man said “I don’t know i’m still deciding.”
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll
