I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions...
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?" Doctor: "To the morgue." Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor." Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No,he hasn't either.
Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Having homosexual parents must be terrible
Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”
No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either
it’s just true
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target? The drone guy didn't know either.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
A: Either way they'll kill your dog
So a guy is evading the draft, the cops bang on his door and he runs out the back and through and alley way onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse, she complies and the cops walk by and dont see them. The man comes back up from under the nuns blouse and says”Hey man, youve got a pair of balls!” The nun says, “I didnt wanna be drafted either....”
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke)
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Me: have you ever tried african food
You: no
Me: they haven't either
