Either jokes

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

Doctor: "To the morgue."

Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Having homosexual parents must be terrible.

Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".

No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.

It's just true.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?

A: Either way they'll kill your dog.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?

A DEPPression.

(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Me: Have you ever tried African food?

You: No.

Me: They haven't either.