Dont jokes
What number is better; 46 or 47?
I don't know, ask the kid with Down syndrome.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Riddles not jokes.
What has 4 legs but cannot walk?
What has bark but no bite?
There's a one-story house in which everything is orange. Orange walls, orange doors, orange furniture. What color are the stairs?
What has holes but can carry water?
What is in front of you, but cannot be seen?
What is something you have inside you that is pink, but cannot be seen?
What can you catch but not throw?
And last one:
What can rule, but not command?
Tell me the answers in the comments.
Like 90% of this was from this link: https://parade.com/947956/parade/riddles/
One more thing: Don't google it or search it up, use your brain to answer these.
If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.
Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."
What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?
I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.
Q: What season can an orphan see their family tree?
A: Fall.
If you don't get it, in the fall trees have no leaves, there [are] just empty branches, like an orphan's tree.
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Why don't Bald Eagles like fast food? It always runs away!
Why don’t clams like to share?
Because they’re very shellfish.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
What’s the difference between a bank vault and you aunt's anus?
The owner of bank vaults don’t force you to penetrate it.
Don't make fun of the emo kid, or he's gonna bring his friends and you gotta fight the Suicide Squad.
What's life if you don't have one...
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.