Dont jokes

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Lmao, idiots don't know how to play Jenga.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.

My friends: Ugh, why are you so lazy and no fun?

My parents: Why can't you be like your siblings?

My teacher: I don't care if you're depressed, focus on your study!

The songs: We understand you :)

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."

They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."

They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.

Where did the software developer go?

I don’t know, he ransomware!

Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.

I don't like the word "gun".

Whenever I say it, people always get triggered.

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.