Dont jokes

Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?

Because they are aimed at a younger audience.

Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

Me: Mom, I'm tired.

Mom: "Then go to sleep."

Me: No, you don't understand-

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

like this if you don't like school.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.

A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.

Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.

Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.

But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.

There was a kidnapping at school.

Don't worry, he woke up.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.