Dont Jokes

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?

Because women don't have rights.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Don't do gay jokes, come on guys.

Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.

My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.

A cartoon of a woman driving a car. Above her, the text reads: "Eyes on the road lady. Stop trying to get laid. See these are the people the don't understand speed limits and why car-jacking is illegal." A speech bubble is coming from the woman saying "You know its not as late as I thought maybe you could come up to my place?"

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.

They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

I don't struggle with depression, I'm used to it.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

I made it, DON'T COPY!!!

I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."