Dog jokes
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."
The other said, "Really? I like my bed."
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
Dad fucked Mom.
Mom fucked son.
Son fucked sister.
Sister fucked dog.
Dog fucked cat.
Cat fucked bird.
Bird fucked fish.
Fish fucked Dad.
Dad really liked it!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."
A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"
His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."
The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"
"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."
The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."
The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."
"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."
My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
I adopted a dog. It's gone now.
At least homeless people in China are not starving.
What do dogs do that trees don't do?
Answer: They bark!
badoom ching