The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
Dog Jokes
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
What did the bounty hunter call his favorite dog?
His Boba Pet.
What is a Mexican's favorite type of dog?
A Chihuahua.
What do you call dogs dressed as dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark!
What do you call a bitch?
You call it a female dog.
I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.
I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.
We should stop taking the piss out of Asian people. I mean, they already have enough on their plates... like cats and dogs.
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him for a drag.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You set it on fire; then it goes, "WOOF!"
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What’s a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
What does Hellen Keller call her dog?
"NAUSHFBUYGWF"
I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).
On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.
What do dogs do when they lose their tail?
They go to the retail store.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs too much!
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
