Dog jokes

One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."

The other said, "Really? I like my bed."

I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.

Dad fucked Mom.

Mom fucked son.

Son fucked sister.

Sister fucked dog.

Dog fucked cat.

Cat fucked bird.

Bird fucked fish.

Fish fucked Dad.

Dad really liked it!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.

Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Terrible!

What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"

His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."

The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"

"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."

The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."

The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."

"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."

My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.

I adopted a dog. It's gone now.

At least homeless people in China are not starving.

What do dogs do that trees don't do?

Answer: They bark!

badoom ching

There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:

Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.

Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.

These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.

Only Ninety's kids know about this.

What do you get when a dog that is actually a Weeto is caught in an earthquake?

Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy!

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"