What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
A girl goes to a Church to confess.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?
cancer.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?
Stand-up comedy.
TDS? More like STDs.
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
My mom told me to be positive...
I was heading to an HIV test.
