New Devil Jokes

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.

Lucifer's so broke he can't even afford air conditioning units.

Chuck Norris once went to hell.

After that, the Devil only falls asleep after he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?

He didn't give me any.

I was made by the Devil.

What's the opposite of an exorcism?

When Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child...

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

What did the evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

I made a deal with Satan. I would get a free pass to hell if I serve as a demon lord. So, see you guys at the end of times!

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?

The devil always has horns... not just around children.

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

The devil's number is 346 because you will be in jail.

TJ's hairline so far back you still couldn't find it when the Devil was alive.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Satanism is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "red skin appreciation."

Oooh, I fall apart. Oooh, yeah, mmhmm. She told me that I'm not enough, yeah, And she left me with a broken heart, yeah. She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah. She cut too deep, now she left me scarred, yeah. Now there's too many thoughts goin' through my brain, yeah, And now I'm takin' these shots like it's Novocaine, yeah. Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Never caught a feelin' this hard Harder than the liquor I pour Tell me you don't want me no more But I can't let go Everybody told me so Feelin' like I sold my soul Devil in the form of a whore Devil in the form of a whore You said it No, you said it No, you said it We'd be together Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Ice keep pourin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' Covered in scars and I can't help showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin' Ice keep droppin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' All these scars, can't help from showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin', yeah Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought.