An autistic kid.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.
What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?
A short tistic.
My step mom walked in naked once. I sky rocketed that day. I was 12.
Children and your meat are actually quite similar.
At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.
I like dildos.
Did you hear about the exciting new drug they developed for lesbians with depression? They call it: TRICOXAGIN.
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
You wanna hear a construction joke?
I'm still workin' on it!
What do 9-year-old girls want? To be ate again!
Googoogaga.
I was like, soon dude, Little Johnny is Big boobs.
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
1st graders: Ay yo girl, I think you’re beautiful, let’s get married!!
2nd graders: Uhh, don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee.
3rd graders: Uh, my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up, sweetie.
4th graders: Hey, I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind.......
5th graders (they start wearing makeup): Ay girl, your eyelashes are pretty, I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr.
6th graders: Heyyyyy, I gotta tell you a secret, I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh, I’ll text you later!
7th graders: We need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy, alright, bye now.
8th graders: Hi sweetheart, I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS
Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Why can I be black? Because I look like I have puberty, and I sound like I had puberty.
They say they found water on Mars. Mars 1, Africa 0.
