Death jokes

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."

The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."

First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"

Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."

Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

I was going to tell a dead baby joke...

I decided to abort.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Both of their greatest hits are "the wall."

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."

Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw it.

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.

When there’s an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because he forgot to plug in the charger.

What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!