Death jokes
What is the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. :)
What do you call a person with one arm, one leg, one eye, and one ear?
ONESY.
“Hey dad, how do you kill a star?” - Give them drugs.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
An apple and an emo girl fall from the same height in a tree. Which one hits the ground first? The apple, cuz the noose stops her.
Yes, the Queen has died today. Can the people of the world please finally tell Harry to stop cross-dressing as her?
How did Sally die?
She got shot.
How? She could not run away.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
What's worse than 100 dead babies in a skip?
The one that's still alive in the middle trying to eat its way out.
The cemetery sure is overcrowded today.
I guess people are dying to get in.
If I worked for Edexcel, I'd give Caroline Flack an A* for her physics experiment.
Kobe was a bloody legend. Now he's just bloody.
An anti-bullying PSA and speeding PSA from the same creator meet one another.
The death toll went sky high.
I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.
The orphanage said I couldn't go home.
Your dad is gone.
Stephen Hawking died because he got unplugged from his Ethernet cord.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
What was the first thing Thanos snapped?
Loki’s neck.
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Why are skeletons so calm?
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.