Death jokes
I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...
Please don't kill [me].
What's the difference between a Ferrari and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on??
He didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked da bucket 😂🤣👌🏻👌🏻.. knee slapper
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.
I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"
Why does Technoblade love orphans?
'Cause he can relate to their parents!
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a car in my garage.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a red Ferrari?
I don't have the Ferrari.
Who is the fastest reader? The 9/11 victims, because they went through 20 stories.
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)