Death

Death jokes

Orphan

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

Wife

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

World hunger

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

Paul Walker

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

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  • Grandpa

    I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

  • 3
  • Super Bowl

    A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

    However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

    So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

    He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

    The man replies, “No.”

    The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

    The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

    “Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

    “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

    Baby

    What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?

    One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

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  • Orphan

    Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.

    Dad

    Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

    Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

    Vampire

    Me: *stabs vampire*

    Wife: omg

    Me: *beats vampire to death*

    Wife: OMG

    Me: What?

    Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!

    Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?

    Kid

    Why did the depressed kid cross the road?

    To get hit by a car.

    Wife

    How do you know your wife is dead?

    The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

    Nan

    My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.