How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?
1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?
Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.
Kobe ended so many games with threes. Now he ends his life with trees.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?
..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.
