Death jokes

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)

What song did the Titanic victims listen to as they died?

Ice, Ice Baby!!

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*

Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸

What do you call a decapitated politician?

A severed head of state.

What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?

That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.

What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.