Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
Cremation:
My last hope for a smoking hot body.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
Why did the feminist kill herself?
Because she was TRIGGERED.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
