Death jokes

What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?

They both hang.

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

Technoblade would love it here.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

Q: What's yellow and floats?

A: A bus full of children.

I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Covid said to stay 6 feet... I didn't think Kobe meant it literally.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.