Death jokes

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?

Panera dead.

How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸

What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”