Death jokes

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.

What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?

They both hang.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.