Death jokes

what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?

Panera dead.

How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸

What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.