Death jokes

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

What song did the Titanic victims listen to as they died?

Ice, Ice Baby!!

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?

They both hang.

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

Covid said to stay 6 feet... I didn't think Kobe meant it literally.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”