What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
He wiped.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A dead goldfish.
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
Rust in peace.
All you need is a razor blade in life.
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?
Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
