Death jokes

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

What was found under MJ's pillow after he died?

Billy's jeans.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What's yellow and can't swim?

A dead goldfish.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.