Death jokes

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

What was found under MJ's pillow after he died?

Billy's jeans.

A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.

Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.