Death jokes

Go commit Thanos finger snap.

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

what do you call a baby in an oven?

my next meal.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

Rust in peace.

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

What was found under MJ's pillow after he died?

Billy's jeans.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.