Death jokes

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.

I think I know why Stephen Hawking died, he pressed Alt+F4.

Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?

Stopping it with the shovel!

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

What is the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell?

There’s a stairway to heaven.

Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

The quiet kid's dad dies. You go, "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not your dad."

Then he says, "What comes after 47?"

The quiet kid says, "AK."

My sister said I was only allowed to grate cheese, so I said to her that I’d prove her wrong.

The next day my mum asked me why my cheese was tan, and I said it was my own special recipe. My mum loved the cheese but she didn’t like it much after the funeral.

Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!