Death jokes

What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A dead goldfish.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

What is Beethoven doing now?

Decomposing.

All you need is a razor blade in life.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?

A bonnet.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What's the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish? 15 seconds.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.