Death jokes

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What's yellow and can't swim?

A dead goldfish.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

All you need is a razor blade in life.

What is Beethoven doing now?

Decomposing.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?

A bonnet.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What's the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish? 15 seconds.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What’s the difference between an Indian and Jewish person?

An Indian person is burnt after death.