Death jokes
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
He wiped.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both like cracking open a cold one.
My initials are K.M.C.
Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".
Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.
I’m writing an autobiography.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A dead goldfish.
My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
What is Beethoven doing now?
Decomposing.
All you need is a razor blade in life.
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.
Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.