Death jokes

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A dead goldfish.

Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.

But he nailed that mountain.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

What is Beethoven doing now?

Decomposing.

All you need is a razor blade in life.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?

A bonnet.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What's the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish? 15 seconds.