Death jokes
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only once though, and only for 20 seconds...
This joke is unavailable due to the National Period of Mourning. Please return to this page on the 19th of September.
R.I.P. Queen Elizabeth II. 1926-2022.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.
Bro told me this when he passed away.
I’m “Fading.”
What instrument can a skeleton never play? An organ.
Do I like playing Russian Roulette? Gun to the head, I'd have to say no.
Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
An orphan was shocked, he called the ambulance. If he forgot he's suicidal, he quickly hung up.
Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"
So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?
I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"
Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?
But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!
Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.
You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.
Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.
He shouts “you stupid cunt!”
The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”
Dodi replies...:
“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”
What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A pool table.
What does a bar fly and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both enjoy a cold one once in a while.
What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?
The depressay expressay.
Just kidding, bleach!
There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.
On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."
So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.
What fell out of the tree first, the apple or the emo?
The apple, the emo was caught by the rope.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.