Death jokes
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
What do fire and people have in common?
They will both eventually die out.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What do you call a nine year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in seconds.
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.
I finally got my wife to shut up.
Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!
Digging stuff up is too hard.
I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.
What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
911 what's your emergency?
Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!
Operator: What happened!?
Me: She bit the tip.
For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.