Death jokes
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
What do you call suicidal Hitler?
Slitler.
Why can’t orphans f*ck their mom?
Because they don’t have one.
Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."
Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.
Me nan.
What is Beethoven doing right now?
Nothing, because he is dead.
Why did Bob Ross die?
Because the paint brush stabbed him.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...
My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...
He fell from a tower.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a computer?
I don't know, I have both!