Death jokes

What do you call a five year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

You're so ugly that I choked and died.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

An apple and an emo are at the top of a tree, they both fall at the same time.

Who hit the ground first?

The apple won because the emo had forgotten to connect the internet.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.

What's worse than a truck full of dead babies? One alive at the bottom.

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

Why do orphans have water with their cereal?

Because dad never came home with the milk.

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?

Because he had a crush on her.

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

What did the farmer say to the doll?

You death baby doll.

WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!

Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."