Death jokes
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your grandpa, he crashed the plane.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
I would say fly high to Kobe, but obviously he didn't...
TommyInnit said, "Long live the Queen." Look at where she's at now.
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
Are you a toaster?
Because I wanna take a bath with you.
I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Why is your nan gay? Because she's an orphan.