Death jokes

It’s raining, it’s pouring. The old man is snoring. He got shot in the head and didn’t wake up in the morning.

Why did Texas freeze to death? Because they're retarded.

Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.

There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.

You're dead inside.

(Stabs him 23 times)

What is a box called when a cough dies in it?

A coffin.

What do you call a person with one arm, one leg, one eye, and one ear?

ONESY.

“Hey dad, how do you kill a star?” - Give them drugs.

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.

Your mom so ugly that Paul Walker died.

Philza: PUT THE ORPHAN DOWN TECHNOBLADE- NO DON-

Technoblade: R.I.P orphan

My dog died.

I was looking forward to some toast...

So I took the toaster in the bath with me.

Why can’t orphans have a horse?

Because they run away like their mum did.

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

My life.

Kill me, please.

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

How did Steven Hawking die?

He lost internet connection.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his son wanted to charge their phone, so they unplugged him.