Death jokes

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."

The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Levon Aronian's wife died in a car crash. That's wheelie unfortunate.

I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.

People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.

One day, there are friends having fun.

Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."

And they all agree.

Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.

I want to die.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a car in my garage.

Man: Did you know pidgins die after having sex?

Woman: No, really?

Man: Well, the one I fucked did...

What happens when Steven Hawking dies?

Take his iPad to Cash Converters.

What does it take to paint a wall red?

Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.

My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."