Death jokes
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What do the Twin Towers and murder victims have in common?
Both were owned by their own kind.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
'Cause she's already dead.
Once a bird went to search for food. Then suddenly he saw grain on a road. When he saw a bullock cart, he said, "That's too far away." Then the bullock immediately came, and the king bird came, and the deceitful bird said, "Sorry, Majesty, I was wrong to eat this on the road." And then he died, and the king bird goes back and tells everybody about it.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? - 'Cause she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?
The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.
Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.
1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
Why did Stephen Hawking die so soon?
Because his misses bought the wrong batteries.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking hot body?
Cremation.
I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.
Why did Kenny die?
Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?
How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.
What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?
..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.
My parents are like the Twin Towers, only one came back.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.