Death jokes
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
"Do you have a noose?"
"Nose?"
"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."
"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"
"No."
*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
Stephen Hawking died because his WiFi ran out.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!
End everything and your life, Steven Roca!
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Stephen Hawking didn't die, he got sucked up by the black hole then got sent to the large charger in the sky.
My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."
Why should cemeteries be built next to orphanages?
So the orphans can see their parents.
When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.
FUCKING MENT