Death jokes
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?
don't leave me hanging.
[being buried alive]
Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.
Orphans: Where are my parents?
Random person: In the bed.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?
Because he had a crush on her.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What is yellow and can’t swim? A school, but full of drowning kids! 🤣🤣🤣
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
Who were the fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 95 stories in 10 seconds.
What did Stephen Hawking see before he died?
The blue screen of death.
I will pay someone to kill me.
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)