Death jokes
What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?
If you throw water over them, they both die...
How did Steven Hawking die? His WiFi disconnected.
Cremation: Your last chance for a smoking hot body.
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"
What is Beethoven doing now?
Decomposing.
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?
Because he got hit by a bus.
I'm gonna jump to my death.
Don't worry. I won't jump far.
Just off this chair here...
The only reason he died was because Virgin Media wifi crashed.
Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?
They're both hanging from a tree.
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?
The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
How to make an orphan's feet bleed? Make them run in place until their parents get them.