Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
Death Jokes
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his family.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
When there’s an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas.
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because he forgot to plug in the charger.
Why did the skeleton not go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with.
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
Hitler killed 18 million and only died once.
Fucking camper!
What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?
The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.
What was the last thing that went through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and the people at the old folks home?
They both collapsed.
