Death jokes
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?
Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎
What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw it.
I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his family.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
When there’s an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas.
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because he forgot to plug in the charger.
Why did the skeleton not go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with.
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.