Death jokes

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Suicide.

Suicide who?

Suicide you.

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."

The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."

First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"

Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."

Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

I was going to tell a dead baby joke...

I decided to abort.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Both of their greatest hits are "the wall."

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."