Death jokes

Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

A. Depends how thin you slice them.

What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?

Ashtraynauts.

Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?

The Apple repair store.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

What do you call a nine year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

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So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.

Looks like McSkillet McKilledIt.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

Why didn't the skeleton follow his dreams? He was too gutless.

Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?

He didn't have the heart to put into it.

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.