I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!
Death Jokes
Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because he was dead.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Why did the skeleton run away from the crime scene?
He didn't have the guts to see it.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his family.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
