Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?
Because his parents will be far from home.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
What did Stephen Hawking see before he died?
The blue screen of death.
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, she was electrocuted.
Me: I saw your parents yesterday.
Orphan girl: Where?
Me: The coffin was still open.
