Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
The optimistic midget's coffin was half full.
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.
What do you say to someone being cremated? You urned it!
I just found out, these jokes are about dead people.
What's the difference between an emo and a banana?
They both hang like apples.
Mom, where are we going?
To your grandma's funeral.
Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.
There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.
On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."
So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.
What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?
Hug his parents.
Why was Hitler born? Because he got killed.
Wanna know why Kobe can't shoot?
Because he's dead.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?
One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
