Death jokes
I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?
Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!
Someone on here said it previously:
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is until my mom took the urn away from me.
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?
Everywhere.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
I have a riddle for you:
10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.
Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him “penguin meat.”
Once he eats it, he starts crying.
Why?
Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?
Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?