What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died?
"Windows Shut Down."
Death Jokes
Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.
One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.
What's worse than one dead baby in a trash can?
One dead baby in ten trash cans.
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Why is the skeleton sad and alone?
Because he is with nobody.
What do you call the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones!
