Death jokes
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Once I'm done choking you,
You will be too.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?
My grandmother said goodnight...
She never said good morning.
What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died?
"Windows Shut Down."
Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.
One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.