Death jokes

What body part takes the longest to decay? The eyeball, because it will always dilate.

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

911 what's your emergency?

Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

Operator: What happened!?

Me: She bit the tip.

What is Juice WRLD's favorite restaurant?

Little Seizures.

What's an Emo's favorite drink?

Water, JK it's cyanide.

Give Kobe a plane ticket, he'll fly for the trip, but give Kobe a helicopter and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead kids?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

Call me Kobe Bryant, cause I'm gonna helicopter out of this one.

I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...

I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...

I know, I'm going to hell!

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?

Everywhere.

He’s not dead, just his storage unit.