Day jokes

What's the difference between Monday and a dick?

They're not different. They're both unnecessarily long and hard.

9/11 2001... that day was fire🔥

What did John say to little Timmy? Happy Disable day!

I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Is it just me, or are you the prettiest person I've seen today?

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

Why are gay dudes so rude?

Because they're fucking assholes.

Where can white people cook better than Black people?

On Father’s Day.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

What do you call field day in Africa?

The Hunger Games.

Yo momma's like a cloud, when she disappears, it's a beautiful sunny day.