Day jokes

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

You know if you poo on the toilet at 11:59 PM...

Then at 12:01 AM, it's just the same shit, different day...

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

I'm afraid for my gay calendar. Its days are numbered!

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I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.

Is it just me, or are you the prettiest person I've seen today?

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off!

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

Why are gay dudes so rude?

Because they're fucking assholes.

Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"