Day jokes

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off!

Better Friday the 13th than any Monday.

I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.

Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

What do you call field day in Africa?

The Hunger Games.

Yo momma's like a cloud, when she disappears, it's a beautiful sunny day.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Why are gay dudes so rude?

Because they're fucking assholes.

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Where can white people cook better than Black people?

On Father’s Day.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.