Day Jokes

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

A screenshot of a text message conversation. The first message reads, "Bro I'm on twitter way too much. I'm genuinely obsessed." The second message, in blue, reads, "Why do you have 107 hours on Applebee's?" Above the text messages is a screen time report. Applebee's is listed as the most used app with 107 hours. Twitter is second with 10 hours and 21 minutes. Safari is third with 4 hours and 8 minutes. YouTube is fourth with 1 hour and 26 minutes.

Canada being the most educated country in the world is bemusing, considering that Canadians cannot spell "legalise" and "programme" correctly.

Oh, and most of them do not realise that it's day-month-year, NOT month-day-year.

You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.

The next day I saw a dead orphan.

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

I’m becoming a litter bit more zebra everyday.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

Why did the sun go to school? To get brighter!

What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, and a frog croaks every day.

A kid had school today.

He was late every single day. He said in his mind, "I wish I can go to school again." What happened? It's obvious...... He died :)

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

One day I went to smoke weed with some Mexicans, but they ran away when I asked if they had papers.

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.