Day jokes

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off!

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?

All his comebacks take three days..

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

Canada being the most educated country in the world is bemusing, considering that Canadians cannot spell "legalise" and "programme" correctly.

Oh, and most of them do not realise that it's day-month-year, NOT month-day-year.

You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.

The next day I saw a dead orphan.

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

I’m becoming a litter bit more zebra everyday.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

Why did the sun go to school? To get brighter!

What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, and a frog croaks every day.