Day Jokes

9/11 also known as the day football stoped

someone at my school the other day said the whoever killed hittler was a hero. whos going to tell him?

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture

they say nothing is impossible. but i've been doing nothing all day.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said "how sick?". I said "well I'm in bed with my 12 year old sister".

What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day? -- "Deja moo!"

so I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer. Now I don't know what they were laced with but I was trippin all day.

One day a cow ate a fish

what came out the other side?

A dead fish.

Dark jokes are like a new day suicidal people don’t get it

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Why do people always talk about nine eleven??? my dad died that day he was a good pilot.

for 15 cents a day you can feed an African child they eat spare change i guess

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if its poisoned.

then the antidote becomes the most important

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge”.

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

I named my dog 5 miles so i could say i walk 5 miles each day

but today i ran OVER 5 miles...oops

Hi guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV when i turned it off.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222) so she went to the the doctor on 51st street (6922251) and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)