How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag? One of her socks is missing!
What danger does this put them in? Toxic Sock Syndrome!
"Ya tryna run? Hop in the van."
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
A man was taking a young child into the woods.
The young child said, "Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared."
The man replied with, "How do you think I feel? I have to go back alone."
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.
What is the most dangerous mountain? Kilimanjaro.
What do the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
If you thought other people’s puns are bad, well, you should sea mine.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
What's green and is dangerous?
Kermit with a flip knife.
Why did Little Sally get hurt while playing soccer?
Because she fell into a minefield.
