Dad jokes

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandpa is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandma is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!

Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!

Survives until tomorrow.

Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*

Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!

(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.

Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.

Kid: Why?

Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.

The teacher asked a young boy in primary school, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

To which the boy replies, "No."

The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.

At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

"Shut up," she replied.

The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks, "Can you teach me the alphabet?"

But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.

But his brother is singing, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.

But his sister is singing, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.

The boy replies, "Shut up."

"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."

The boy replies, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

In the office, the principal says, "Who do you think you are?"

The boy replies, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The principal now says, "How do you think you'll get away with this?"

The boy then replies, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes!

Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.

Abbie: I had sex with dad.

Mom: Go die in a hole!

My dad hits me :(

A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.

They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.

The orphanage said I couldn't go home.

Your dad is gone.

A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"