Dad jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.

Kid: Why?

Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Why do orphans become bullies?

Because their mum and dad were never there for them.

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.

How do you know that your sister is on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes weird.

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

I am a racist, and I put my milk before cereal. Well, to be honest, that was when I had milk, but one day my dad says he was going to get some... then he left.

Now when I see a black guy, I yell, "Thanks for picking the cotton to make my shirt!"

Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.

What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".

So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".

So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"

I know, it's an awful joke.

Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.

"I miss you.

Being happy was never that hard without you..."

Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

Bob: Kanye West.

Dad: No, but I can East.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

What's the difference between your dad and cancer?

Cancer came back...

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

Why did Sally not save the mountain climber?

Because it was her dad.