Crime jokes

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

Here is a joke: Rape.

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?

She said a monster attacked her.

What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?

So he could be wanted.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

What's the number 1 cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.

Where do pedophiles go hunting?

Elementary schools.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."