Crime jokes

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

What's a paedophile's favorite footwear?

White Vans.

what do you call a drunken sailer?

arrested.

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song?

"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?

Consensual Rapper 7.

What do you call a movie at Bill Cosby’s house?

Netflix and pill.