Crime jokes

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.

what do you call a drunken sailer?

arrested.

What's a paedophile's favorite footwear?

White Vans.

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

Dude,

if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?

What do you call terrorists in a wheelchair?

An RCXD.

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?

They both like lil' boys.