Crime jokes
What's a paedophile's favorite footwear?
White Vans.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for it being black.
A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Why did the terrorists crash?
They were doing the job they loved but not getting paid.
Lol.
If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
A gay rapist saves a female rape victim, then rapes the rapist.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
What’s the difference between outlaws and orphans?
At least outlaws are wanted.
A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
A teacher asked a class who killed Goliath. The first pupil said he wasn’t the one. The second said he doesn’t know. No one knew in the class.
The teacher got furious and dashed to the Head Master’s office to report. Immediately, the head master followed him back to the class with a cane. He growled- “If no one tells me who killed Goliath in this class, you will see fire!” Everyone in the class insisted on the fact that it wasn’t them.
Then the Head master looked at the teacher and said- “Mr. Dapo, are you sure that the person who killed Goliath is in this class?” The teacher fainted.
What does a serial killer make for breakfast?
Scrambled legs and toes.
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
I like my girls like I like my wine.
12 years old and locked in my basement.