Crime Jokes

How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6 year old in the trunk of my car.

What do the Twin towers and Murder victims have in common?

Both were owned by their own kind

why did sally die, she got stabbed by her mum

"The rise of atheism is going to lead to a break down of social morals and lead to all kinds of filth including an increase in child abuse" said the village priest. The village scientists did some fact checking. In prison they found roughly 70% of child abusers were hyper religious before committing the crimes, and another 20% converted to religions to look 'remorseful'. The remaining 10% preferred not to say. They presented the findings to the media. "Scientists slander good religious folk and ignore the weight of evidence!" "Is Science biased against religion? You decide in this survey". they reported

The village priest is living at his majesties convenience and tells the others he committed armed robbery.

"Why is this a joke, its not even funny?" Said the person reading this, breaking the forth wall.

What is funny is you got to the end of this post and didn't cringe. Why not?

how did the villagers identify the masked rapist?

he was the only one in the village who believed the victim

Why did the orphan rob the bank Because he wanted to be wanted

My brother got his legs chopped of but someone FBI opened my basement door but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basment

Russians think they are tuffer than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this

1 USA was NEVER invaded 2 USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does! 3 USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass Russians 4 Our soldiers don’t rape kids 5 we have more Allie’s than you 6 we are smaller but stronger 7 Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A: M

Holmes said, look up Watson what can you see?

Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A:M

What else Watson

It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow

What Else Watson

What am I supposed to see Holmes?

Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent

A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970 and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband. She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

Wait, what? Was he actually her husband. He was a christian so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

Wait, what? the bible doesn't say that.

Actually yes it does and marital rape was legal until 1990.

WAIT WHAT? Thats not funny.

I'll tell ya whats funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

so my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child i was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me i was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friends uncle killed my dad . the kid was never seen again . her name was Madeleine McCann i think im the only one who knows where she is but overall the head from the hooker was good