Crime jokes
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Who crashed the plane?
1. Abu Faram? - terrorist
2. The little kid Joseph?
3. The passed out pilot?
Or Jamal?
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Yo yo Zac, have you Amber HEARD about the Johnny Depp case? ARRRRRRRRRRR!
Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair? A RC-XD.
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.
Rape is so outdated, but when you pay them money, it is a popular date!
What do you call a fat man with a rape whistle? Hogan!
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.
The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.