Crime jokes
I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.
What is a pedophile's favorite age range?
9-11.
Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.
We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?
Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
When is a rape victim right?
When she admits she lied.
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?
"Drop it, Jamal!"
How do you rape a girl?
By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!
Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Why do you go to the bank?
To get money.
When do you run from the bank?
When the cops come.
What's the difference between bounties and orphans?
The bounty is wanted.
Where do pedophiles go hunting?
Elementary schools.
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”
Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?
He does not like roasted vegetables.
I stole one's balls.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)