Crime jokes
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
What does an orphan call a kidnapping?
A surprise adoption.
What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.
"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"
What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!
There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.
The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.
I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."
Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."