Crime jokes
I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.
I just got a job at the prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?
When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
I just killed a family of five.
Now I’m an orphan.
Pedophiles are just fucking, immature assholes.
What do you call an egg murder?
An eggs-terminator!
So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.
The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.
The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.
The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.
In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”
Why did the strawberry cry?
Her mom was in a jam.
P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?
P2: I don't know.
P1: Wow, you sick fuck!
What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?
"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"
"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?
White Vans.
Did you hear about the bank robber?
Turns out he got shot by the police.
And he wound up in prison.
What is a necrophiliac's safe word?
"I'm alive!"
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?" Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
Can people please shut up about "male privileges"? There is no right that men have that women don't.
Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.
Women have the right to choose parenthood; men do not.
Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.
Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.
Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.
Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.
Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of "women only" events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us.)
Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas.
Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.
Women have the right to domestic violence shelters.
Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic dispute.
Women have the right to rape a man or boy, and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy, they can sue him for child support.
So it is women who have more rights.
So shut up, feminists, please.
What do you call a Chinese rapist? Rae ping you.
I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.