Crime jokes
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
Memes
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
Why do prepubescent orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”.
Found this girl in Hawaii.
Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."
Who are the best at bowling?
Terrorists, they always throw strikes.
An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Man: *steals drink*
Boy: bro😭😭
Man: Why are u crying over a drink?
Boy: That had drugs.
Man: ....
Where's the best place to hide a body? In the second page of Google search results.
"It's not a war crime if you win the war."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?