Crime jokes
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.
No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
Raping white women should be encouraged everywhere!
The terrorists said over the intercom, "We're coming up to our destination, so we can't go over it, we can't go under, we have to go through it."
Why do the police never catch the orphan?
The orphan is not wanted.
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.
Orphan: But I don't have a mom!
What's the number 1 cause of pedophilia?
Sexy kids.
Why did the credit card go to jail?
'Cuz it was guilty as charged!
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
What do you call an orphan with parents?
I don't know... what?
Kidnapped. :)
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.
A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."
Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.