Crime jokes
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.
I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."
Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
Why was the belt arrested?
It held up a pair of pants.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
School shootings are everywhere. In ice cream shops and even the woods.
What makes piracy and anti-piracy so unique?
One isn't that of a thief, while the other is as serious as fuck.
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.
What do you call an Asian that steals cars? Tommy toke a motor.
Why was 7 afraid of 9? Because he's a registered sex offender.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What do you say if you are raped once but feel raped twice?
"I was raped raped."
What's a rapist's favorite scale?
C Minor.
What is a pedophile's favorite age range?
9-11.