Crime jokes

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

Why did Rolf Harris meet underage kids?

To tie his kangaroo down, sport!

Why are Indians such good actors?

Most of them are phone scammers.

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

Two teenagers were raping an 11-year-old girl in an alley, so I stepped in to help. The little bitch didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

How do make an adult cry?

Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?

He's a small medium at large.

That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

1) What was Techno's reaction when he died?

2) Where did all the orphans go?

PS: In case you don't get it, it's a pedophile joke, cuz he is one!

What was the most famous skeleton detective in the world? Sherlock Bones!

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.