Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.
If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!
Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
There is one rapist among us.
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
