Crime jokes

What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?

White vans.

What's a child abuser's favorite song?

"Just Beat It!"

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

There is one rapist among us.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite place to eat?

A: Schools because there is a wide variety of choices.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

What’s a peedophile’s favorite shoes? White vans.

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.