Crime jokes

What's a child abuser's favorite song?

"Just Beat It!"

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?

White vans.

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite place to eat?

A: Schools because there is a wide variety of choices.

There is one rapist among us.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

What’s a peedophile’s favorite shoes? White vans.

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar. But a few minutes later, they would walk out, because you have to be 21+. No room for those two.

Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?

A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.

What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?

Catholics are registered sex offenders.

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"