Crime jokes
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his rap sheet!
What's Jeffrey Epstein's favourite vegetable?
The retarded kid down the street.
My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.
What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?
The thief knows what you have!
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.
Why can't orphans play GTA? Because they're not wanted.
Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.
Why don't orphan criminals go to jail?
Because they weren't even wanted.
I was making fun of an orphan, then I realized he tracked me down. I made a bad decision. He was Batman!
What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...
You get to meet Chris Hansen!
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
Why do orphans play GTA so much?
Because they can be wanted for once.
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?
Early access.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.