Crime jokes
I killed a man in '94.
I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.
Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.
Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.
Memes
Remember: if having guns is against the law, it doesn’t stop law-breakers.
What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?
Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his rap sheet!
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?
The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?
An undercover pooper.
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
Why is 7 afraid of 6?
Because 7 is a vegetarian and 6 is a cannibal.
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀
My brother tried to hit this guy with a plane and but hit the Twin Towers.
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
Why do egos like robbing banks?
They get a cut.