Crime jokes

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?

An undercover pooper.

What is a terrorist's favorite song?

"Pumped Up Kicks."

Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.

When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.

Stop the cap.

I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.

I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

I killed a man in '94.

What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?

Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

Why do cops never put orphans in jail?

Because they aren't wanted.

Why [doesn't] Hollywood make a good movie about holocausts?

Because it's so hard to skin Jewish characters.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?

The second hour is free.

What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?

Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...

It was wrong on so many levels.

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.