Crime jokes
Why did the MOSFET go to jail?
It had a charge for battery.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.
An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
What’s the hamburgler’s retarded cousin? Aspergler.
Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.
I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said, “You’re about to become history.” I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.