Crime jokes

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

What kind of person will steal Captain Hook's hook?

Answer: A hooker.

I'm in the alagba association. Call 666-666-666 to join the gang. It's free and free kills duidui.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

She said no, so I raped her.

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

What did the first rape victim say to the second rape victim?

"You are a consequence of rape!"

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.