Crime jokes
A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"
A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"
The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"
If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.
So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.
The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.
The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.
The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.
In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”
Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her “crack” and sell it again.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.
So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.
This didn't actually happen.
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
What do you call a nut in jail?
A busted nut.
Why was the kid not able to cross the hallway?
Answer: The school shooter already shot him in the middle of the hallway.
Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.
A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?
White Vans.
What do you call an Asian that steals cars? Tommy toke a motor.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.
What's a pedophile's favorite cooking ingredient?...... Fresh meat.