Crime jokes
What's the difference between a mole and a priest?
One will till your 13 to put hairs on your face.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
I raped your mom. I flipped her upside down and called the position "wow."
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for it being black.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck 'em.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
"This isn't ketchup."
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
This isn't ketchup.
What did Stevie Wonder see when he got murdered?
Nothing.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
What's the difference between my basement and my garage?
One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
I only kidnapped orphans because they have no parents to report them missing.
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”
A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?
Because he is in a prison cell.